Two months into mom life! Cecilia had a Thanksgiving outfit and everything so I’d say that I’m crushing it. (Errr…thanks Mom…I myself didn’t actually put in the effort to plan that…)
I admit that, even though I’ve always insisted I wouldn’t be a mom who wanted to post baby pictures on social media and I wouldn’t have a phone filled with baby photos (I mean really, don’t they just make the same face all day?)…
…I humbly come to you all with my tail between my legs. I want to post five hundred photos, all of which are on my camera roll, causing my storage to permanently be “almost full”. I get it now.
Lately I’ll be sitting on the couch and I think “damn, what have I even DONE with my life this year?” and an hour later while presenting Brendan with my culinary masterpiece that is warmed up Trader Joe’s “Trader Ming’s Chicken” I remember the whole raising a human thing and passive aggressively make my request for “A THANK YOU FOR ALL THESE THINGS I DO, DAMN.”
These days, my mom concerns are as follows:
If I use regular laundry detergent instead of some apparently superior baby detergent, will Cecilia grow up with some incurable laundry detergent skin disease?
If I’m not staring lovingly into her eyes every single second while breastfeeding, will she believe I don’t love her and need years of therapy?
If I roll her back over when she starts crying during tummy time, will I turn her into a wimpy little brat?
If she starts crying and I don’t immediately pick her up, will she grow up with this deeply ingrained feeling that I’m a huge jerk but won’t quite know why?
If I’m on a different level of the house from her for 5 minutes will child protective services show up at my door?
If I praise her with accolades every day will she grow up to be an entitled jerk?
If I don’t praise her with accolades every day will she grow up and decide to fly around on a giant cement ball in a music video to get attention?
If I don’t read to her every single day will she fail to EVER learn to read? Like, no one can teach her, her brain doesn’t understand letters, NEVER LEARN TO READ?!
If I don’t check to see that she’s breathing at least 7 times an hour while she’s sleeping, will she suffocate?
If I leave the room to start the coffee will she suffocate?
If when her pacifier falls out while she’s in her swing and it’s gently resting against her cheek, will she suffocate?
Also, will she appreciate that I lovingly pick the lint out of her toes, because I feel like that’s a big deal…?
If I don’t track every feeding and diaper change on my baby app, did it even happen?! (No seriously, I can’t remember times anymore. The hours all run together.)*
*I used to track every single feeding and diaper change on an app but after a month I was like, screw that, and now I track by what TV show I was watching. For example, I know it’s time for a diaper change because I changed her last when Daily Pop started and now we’re at the end of the show. FLAWLESS TECHNIQUE.
I’m actually in awe of my brain’s creativity. How did you come up with all these scenarios, brain? My brain is also great at convincing me to come up with exit plans in the case of potential events that might hurt our baby. A lot of them involve fires and strangers who try to steal her.
For example: “Kara”, my brain asks, “if your Christmas candle is an overachiever and starts a fire while you’re in the kitchen and the baby is sleeping in the other room, how will you rescue her?” (Hurdle the kitchen table, hurl my body over the couch, grab the baby, throw that cloth escape ladder every kid had in their room in the early 90s that I’m going to buy, out the window. Shimmy down with one hand while clutching baby, hobble to neighbors house, call 911. Boom. Rescued.)
At the end of the day, when I’m not thinking all these extremely valid thoughts, I spend about 89% of my time staring at her and giggling like a creep because I love her so much and what else do you do when you love someone but giggle at them?
Poll: What do you take the most pictures of? It used to be scenery for me but baby C has taken over!